To Hide a Shiny Stone
by qwerty19
Summary: Enchanted mirrors that entrap your soul, trolls, flesh eating plants and uncatchable keys are no proper protection for the Philosopher's Stone. No, an old jacket would be much better for this priceless magical artifact. Warning: Laughing incorrectly can damage your voice box.


I found an HP/Pokémon crossover containing a hilarious Mary Poppins gag, depicting Hagrid pulling a kitchen sink, a cat, keys, etc. out of his coat, and I caught this bizarre plot bunny. The fic is called Pokémon Wizard, and it's by James the Fox. It hasn't been updated since July 25th, 2012, and neither has his account, but it was still pretty interesting and a great read, so I recommend that you check it out.

NOTE: I don't feel the need to write Hagrid as J.K. Rowling does. We all know what he sounds like and how he talks, so I feel no need to focus on what he sounds like, rather I should focus on his words and keeping him in character. I hope I don't have my name written in the Death Nate because of that.

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter or any random things I reference. I do, however, claim full ownership of LORD NARRATOR! HAHAHAHA *** **hack** **…** **cough* I should stop screaming in my cliché disclaimers.**

To Hide a Shiny Stone

Albus Dumbledore sighed for what felt like the thousandth time. He was originally going to have Hagrid remove the Philosopher's Stone from its safe and secure resting place in Gringotts. He would make sure that Harry was there so that the young wizard would gather suspicion, connecting all the vague, yet well-placed dots and eventually fight Voldemort by the Mirror of Erised. However, he decided that it was too much like all the fanfictions that emphasized his manipulative side. So what he once confounded Minerva to try his lemon drops? Who cares he once knocked Severus out to stop him from ranting? That was all of his manipulations in his 106 years of being on this Earth! He would never put a child in danger!

Albus Dumbledore sighed for what felt like the millionth time. He looked at the blood red stone that he just retrieved from Vault 713, and began to toss it up in the air, catching it as he came down. "Where to hide this," he mused, "where it will be safe and unreachable?" He had to think carefully on this, as the Philosophers Stone was no inconsequential manner. After approximately 3.624356 minutes of pondering, he conjured a light bulb over his head and lit it with a flick of his wand, signifying that he had an idea.

Soon the camera finds Dumbledore walking at a brisk pace to Hagrid's hut. He was in no rush, but he wanted to get there quickly. "I'm in no rush, but I want to get there quickly," so he went as fast as his old limbs could carry him, "so I'm going as fast as my old limbs could carry me."

 _Stop that._

"I'll only stop if you stop."

 _I can't stop, I'm the narrator! If I stop, the story stops!_

Dumbledore's eyes widened, and he sighed for what felt like the billionth time. "Alas, you are right yet again, old friend. You may continue with your narration."

The great and powerful Lord Narrator smirked, then his eyes narrowed. _Wait…who are you calling old, Mr. 'I just turned 106'?_

Time skip is now necessary as the narrator is too lazy to write a fight scene and because he just realized how tangential this segment was. Why don't you introduce yourself to him?

 _Hi! I'm Time Skip! I'm from Gnarnia with a silent 'G.'_

Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Grounds of Hogwarts, was a busy man. He may not have much to do with the affairs of the 'Keys' aspect of the job, as magic tends to remove their necessity, but he still kept a large stash in his jacket. He decided a long time ago that he needed a better place for them, as he always lost them in there, but he just never got around to finding a new place. Now, the 'Grounds' aspect of his job was a whole different story. Hogwarts lay right next to the Forbidden Forest, and there was a reason it was forbidden. Most people were afraid to go within a hundred miles of it, but not Hagrid. No, Hagrid would calmly walk in and talk to Aragog about Earl Gray black tea, and chat up a storm with the Centaurs about who was better, the Chudley Cannons or the Holyhead Harpies. He took no pride in it and accepted no glory, for he was a humble half-giant, but he knew that he was the perfect man for his job, and he had Albus Dumbledore to thank for helping him realize that.

Speaking of Dumbledore, there was a knock on the door. Hagrid lumbered over towards the wooden door of his humble hut, adjusting his gigantic, messy fur coat as he walked, and opened the door reveal the only other wizard currently on the Hogwarts grounds. "Headmaster! A pleasure to see you, as always!"

Dumbledore smiled up at the Big Friendly Giant, who in no way was to be nicknamed the BFG, and asked if he could come in for some tea. Despite what others thought of Hagrid's cooking, the Headmaster always seemed to take a particular enjoyment out of Hagrid's warm tea. "Ah, yes. This, as the muggles say, is a spot that's hit." He leaned back in his chair with a serene smile on his wizened face.

Hagrid smiled, glad that at least one person enjoyed his tea (Fang didn't count, as he loved anything consumable). "Is there anything that brings you here today? I know you're busy, what with the school year about to start. Is there anything I can help with?"

Dumbledore smiled at the half giant's loyalty. "As of now, I only have three small requests."

"They are?"

"When you take Harry Potter to Diagon Alley, don't worry about going to Vault 713. I have already picked up the contents." Hagrid smiled, as that meant more time with Lily and James' son. Merlin, an hour of knowing him and he already had a special place in his heart. "Second, I've come to the sad realization that many people won't find Fluffy so…fluffy. In fact, a Cerberus might, as the muggles say, have the light of day be scared out of them."

Hagrid's face dropped in an almost comical manner. "I guess…I guess I'll go find a place for-"

Dumbledore hurriedly interrupted. "Nothing of the sort! We merely need a Notice-Me-Not ward on it. I was wondering if you could come with me so I can key you in to the wards. I have no desire to separate you from your beloved companion."

Hagrid breathed a sigh of relief. "Merlin, you have a heart of gold, Headmaster. Thank you. I don't know what I would have done if I lost Fluffy."

Dumbledore chuckled good-naturedly. "Now, on to my third request. You see, my lemon drops are stashed in that secret place that even the author is unaware of, and I seem to have lost the key. May I use your spare?"

Hagrid sat a bit straighter, ready for the challenge of finding the key. "Of course Headmaster! Just give me a moment, I need to find it." With that, Hagrid reached into one of his numerous pockets, and began to pull out a variety of objects including but not limited to: a wallet, a picture frame, an owl, 23 knuts, 46 sickles, half a galleon, a cat, the Stone of Resurrection, a Siamese cat, a large thimble, a monopoly board, a bottle of Felix Felicis, an umbrella, and so on. "Professor Dumbledore, I'm so sorry, sir, but I can't find it in this darn thing!"

As Hagrid continued to pull out a microwave, toaster, poke balls, and dragon egg, Dumbledore reached forward and put a wrinkly hand over Hagrid's much larger ones, stopping him from searching any more. "Rubeus, I just remembered that Minerva has a spare key. Don't worry about finding the extra key. Now, why don't you put all these…miscellaneous items back in your coat, and you can stop by for some lemon drops later?" Hagrid breathed a sigh of relief, the stress of failing at his job slowly but surely ebbing away. Hagrid promised to see Dumbledore in his office at 7:30 P.M. and bid him farewell for the time being, causing Dumbledore to leave the hut.

As soon as Dumbledore was out of earshot, he burst out laughing, one hand over his heart in an attempt to calm it. He had found a much better hiding place for the Philosopher's Stone; when he grabbed Hagrid's arm with one hand, his other snuck the stone into one of his pockets. Soon enough, Hagrid had put at least 4,000 pounds worth of items on top of it. He chuckled merrily to himself. Even if one searched Hagrid's coat for 20 years, they would never find the stone!

 _Didn't Nick and Penny ask for it back?_

"They did indeed. Why do you ask?"

 _How are you going to give it back to them if it's lost forever?_

His eyes widened beyond what should be physically possible. "Curse you Lord Narrator for being annoying, pointing out plot holes, and breaking the fourth wall!" He sighed for what felt like the Googolplexianth time.

Now, how to tell an immortal wizard that he is no longer immortal?

 _It's me! Time Skip! You know, from Gnarnia with a silent 'G'? Oh, so no one remembers me…Ok. I get it. Thanks a lot, Lord Narrator. Here's 20 years later, I guess._

"Kowalski! Status report!"

"No progress on Operation: Endless Coat, sir."

"Twenty years…twenty obnoxiously long years of searching though a coat, and we still can't find that shiny stone that Private claimed to see."

"On the flipper side, we found gold bars, $17,873,902, and the deed to a castle called Pigfarts." He checked the deed again. "Sorry, Hogwarts. It's pretty much the same name."

"What in TV's Tropes do you take me for? I don't care about any of that! I am a being or principle, of priorities! Now, excavate that shiny stone!"

"Yes, Commanding Officer!"

* * *

This was just a fun little idea that came out of my strange mind. Lord Narrator approves of this fic.

Shoutout to PB7 who yet again Beta read this fic! Shoutout to lawbreaker13 who asked me to write something about the Penguins of Madagascar. Both of them are awesome authors, and I highly recommend checking out their stories!


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